Etiquette Queen

2006-01-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

Don't forget to email your etiquette questions to etiquettequeen [AT] gmail [DOT] com

I see all of you searching for answers, and I promise to answer as quickly as I can.

Another fingernail incident...

2006-01-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

It was with great chagrin that I must tell you that a member of our dinner party clipped his fingernails at the bar last night. It took all of my strength not to say "I ALREADY WROTE A POST ON THIS."
When his wife had 4 strokes and a heart attack over his behavior he snidely said "It's not like Emily Post is here and writing an article about it."

No dear, the Etiquette Queen is here and she is most certainly making it her first post of the new year. I have nationwide readers too dumbass.

Twins Birthday Party

2005-12-28T12:29:00.000-08:00

I had a question from Nicole regarding her sons being invited to a double birthday party for twins. Nicole asks the following:

While I am good at buying gifts for kids, I am in a dilemma. A was invited to a birthday party for twin boys. He know both boys, but really only knows one (he's in his class and never really sees the other boy). So do you buy 1 small gift for the boy he knows? 2 small gifts, 1 for each? Or just all out 1 bigger gift so they can share? They are just starting being separate people - for the first time ever they are separated only for school. I haven't had to deal with twins before, if I knew them that would be easier. But I am not sure what to do!

As the mother of Irish Twins myself, I think this is a tricky situation. I plan on running three invites that say the following:

You are invited to a party for Beaux!

You are invited to a party for Bella!

You are invited to a party for Beaux and Bella!

That way, if I do the confusion of a joint party, at least the invitee will know whom she is to bring a present for.

I digress though, the parent of the twins was not so kind. Unfortunately her children may suffer a bit, as you have to decide what to do. Somehow, somebody is getting less of a gift. The truth of the matter is that BOTH children must receive a gift. The gifts can be totally different, but they must each receive one. Therefore, if your gift budget is $10.00, divide it by two and they each get a $5.00 gift.

Payback is hell though! A gets to invite both boys to his party and he gets two gifts also (if she asks my advice that is!).

Shout Out

2005-12-20T08:59:00.000-08:00

The Etiquette Queen gives a shout out to all the moms teaching their children good manners! Let me know your good manners stories!

The horror!

2005-12-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

Calibelle informed me that she and her husband went to dinner tonight at Paradise Bay in Sausalito. She looked over at the person sitting down from them and realized that this person was CUTTING HER FINGERNAILS. ON THE BAR. Any bar that serves meals is too nice for such behavior. I give it two thumbs down in the "Etiquette Queen's Scale of Social Deviancy." The WORST PART? When Calibelle inquired about the nail cutting, the bartender said "Oh yeah, she does it all the time." VOMIT! Somebody call Health and Human Service, pronto!

The Art of Supper Club

2005-12-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

I have alluded to my supper club in other posts, and I always get the question, "What is supper club? Is it a southern thing?" The answer to that is unclear. In researching the history of the supper club, it actually began in the 30's and 40's as a place where people could eat supper, and stay for music and dancin. Here in the South, it has morphed into a group of people (generally couples) that meet once a month and enjoy a meal and fellowship together. Oh yeah... they also drink a LOT of wine. At least I do. Apparently, some folks even play games.

As I perused the internet, I see that ANYONE can start a supper club. You can do a "Moms night out Supper Club" where every month you try a different restaraunt, have a night out away from the kids. Bible study supper club, Men's Supper Club (ok, you gotta either be a lot metrosexual or a little gay for that). You get the picture though. A Supper Club is what you make of it. The Club that we are in is the "Sunday Seven Supper Club." Seven couples meet on the seventh day once a month. We meet 8 out of 12 months and host a large Christmas party. We take off tax season (two accountants) and summers. So far, the group has been a success. We have a nice meal, good conversation, and enjoyable debates.

You should pick an interesting mix of people. Invite your best friends, but ask for their friends as well. Set ground rules and a framework of dates. If you don't do that from the get-go the club will die down and people will beg off. If everyone knows what to expect from the start things will flow much smoother.

It is a good idea to have an annual meeting to decide on dates and times. We meet and decide who will host what month. This year we have two babies due, two weddings, and a move. We try to plan around that. My month was October. We also split the cost of the Christmas party, but it is hosted at one person's house or we can rent a place. We also vote on a President and a Secretary. We don't need a Treasurer or a VP. We also have a Chaplain that asks the Blessing every meeting.

This is a starter post, if you have any specific questions, put them in the comments and I will try to help!

B nice when U IM ppl cuz u nvr know whoze rding

2005-12-06T19:36:00.000-08:00

Instant messenging has become a hallmark of our connected society. I even have AOL and Yahoo on my supertrendy Treo phone. I have four groups of buddies-- My Pals, Work Pals, Family, and Acquaintences. Occasionally I IM the wrong thing to the wrong person. Sound familiar? Leslie inquired about IM etiquette and started me on a chase for how to do things properly.
Im is instantaneous, its fast, its curt, and once it is out there it can not be withdrawn. This article has some good suggestions and is a great start.

One thing I encounter is who has the responsibility for setting limits? Should I set my status to "Online but working" when I don't want idle chit chat, or does the sender have the responsibility for asking? I think it is a little bit of both. If I am really busy, I need to set my status properly or not sign on. At the same time, an IM is a window that just pops into a person's computer. You should always say "Hi, time to chat?" Or "Just saying Hi! Let me know if you have a second to chat today!"

How about ending a conversation? Sometimes I walk away and leave the computer on for ten minutes, an hour, etc and then I come back. If you are mid conversation you should drop a quick, "BRB" for close contacts (spell it out for others). That doesn't mean you have to go through the "Hi" and "Bye" all the time. If you just intermittantly IM throughout the day, its no big deal. You don't have to "Hang up" every time you leave the computer. Your reader can see that you are "Away" or "Idle".

If you IM someone and they don't get back to you, take it as a hint that they are away or can't talk. Don't send a billion messages "Hello?" "You there?" "Hi, checking in again?" "Are you ignoring me?" "Did I do something to make you mad?" Chances are the answer to all of those questions is "No." Your recepient just has something else to do at the moment, chill out and let them get back to you.

One thing I have learned the hard way is that sarcasm and wit do not always come across properly on IM. Be very careful when picking, teasing, or testing. If it is a friend, you may want to make little smileys or winkies so at least there is some clue to your emotion.

Always remember, that you can't unsend an IM. If you cut and past conversation A into Conversation B and then say "Isn't she a bitch?" and you accidentally post that into A, you are just screwed. Mama always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

And as always, do as I say and not as I do folks! Next time we will be planning a supper club, from creating one all the way to the night you host supper club. I know you are on the edge of your seats!

Bring Bubba Down

2005-12-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

This type of behavior is just NOT acceptable. The Etiquette Queen WISHES she could be the one to make that phone call! He obviously doesn't realize the whole internet has Busy Mom's back!

Customer Service-- This weeks's rant Toys R Us

2005-12-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

I believe that this blog is also a place for me to vent about terrible customer service. After all, what a breach of etiquette. The one place where I consistently have the WORST service is Toys-R-Us. I have never been to a Toys R us where the staff wasn't lazy, the bathrooms were clean, or the store was organized. How about you?

Gifting/Receiving

2005-12-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

What do you do with photos that people give to you (usually of their lovely children) Although I enjoy a glimpse into their life and are so happy they are healthy I don't really want an album for kids of friends I only ever receive Christmas Cards from....! So Is it okay to throw them away?

Liesl a non pack rat in NS.

Liesl, I have three words for you: TOSS, TOSS, TOSS. Look, I know people spend their good money on those pictures, but they have to anticipate they will be tossed. If you REALLY want to keep them, feel free to make a cute little scrapbook for your girls to flip through. Toddlers love pictures, and it might be sweet to make a little "Book of Friends" for your little girl. There is NO obligation to do so. The main reason I didn't do expensive announcements was that I was not paying $2.95 per card for a picture that would make its way to the "circular filing cabinet." I open up the comments for any other suggestions.

Friends and Spats

2005-12-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

I just spent the weekend in Charleston with the BF and new boy. BF and I got into a tiff and she dragged the boy into it and he of course defended me. So now things
are okay with us (shakily), but she's made it very apparent that she's suddenly not into the boy, and I am quite dumbfounded at her rudeness...Any
suggestions on how to diffuse this one? He's not going anywhere, but she is the BF even if unreasonable at times...I should also mention that I am
obsessive about everyone getting along. Jaimeleelee

Jaimeleelee, I too am obsessive about keeping everyone happy and peaceful. Unfortunately it seems that we humans are designed for conflict. We just can NOT all get along. Sitting by the fire and singing kumbaya ***would get awfully boring anyway. I am hopeful that once all of the alcohol dried out of everyones systems this tiff will blow over. Any decision that involves a best friend over a boyfriend or vice versa is a terrible decision. How many movies have been built on this VERY issue? How many Sweet Valley High books were centered over Jessica/Elizabeth and some guy issue? Its an age old problem. Normally, I would say that a best friend takes precedence, but what if the boy is THE boy? What if he is the one? Do you choose a best friend over the one? I don't think so.
This lends to an Etiquette Queen story. A few years ago I had a new friend. She was a mini Martha Stewart that always had cookies and crafts and she made her son's birthday cakes from scratch. Everything she did was just... perfect. (More than a little nauseating). she rarely drank too much, but one night after a few glasses of wine she told me how she met her husband. Turns out he was her BEST FRIENDS boyfriend. The best friend and he had decided to cohabitate and it wasn't working out well. The best friend would call her and cry and moan and whine. My friend went down to visit and see how they were holding up. While there she kept thinking, "he is SO nice, why are you bitching?" Ahem. A few little sparks flew and when the inevitable happened, my friend went back to visit. Alone. With just boyfriend. They managed to keep this up for a few months when the former girlfriend wanted to reconcile. Everything came out in the open and boy did the shit hit the fan. Long story short, no more best friend, but she married boyfriend and they have a wonderful marriage and two beautiful children.

Did I have a point? Oh, yes... just let it simmer down and go with your gut. It's gotten you this far in life, you can trust it.

**Not their real names
***WHO knew kumbaya originated around South Carolina and Georgia?

Customer Service

2005-12-04T20:24:00.001-08:00

Thank You notes

2005-12-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of writing a slew of Thank You notes for gifts we got when Lil' Whiskey was born. Now, I realize I'm already into seriously iffy-etiquette territory by not getting them out until the baby is almost four months old, but on some of these notes, I'm stuck. What do you put in a Thank You note for a 18 month outfit that the baby won't be wearing for at least another year and, even
then, is probably going to be inappropriate for the season (really, they're *adorable* outfits that I'm hoping will work when she's old enough, but still...)? Is it okay to just say "Thank you for the
adorable outfit. We can't wait to put Lil' Whiskey in it when she's big enough!" and leave all that blank space on the note? I would personalize it a bit, but it seems odd to include, "I'm so glad your
gall bladder surgery went well" or "Congrats on your newest Masters degree!" in a Thank You note for baby gifts... Sent in by Seuss

In the spirit of total disclosure, I SUCK at postpartum thank you notes. I forget who brings what and am so bad about these notes. As a result, I have my own little postpartum rule that closely mirrors an Emily post rule that I HATE. Postpartum time is my only exception to the written thank you note rule. You may escape the note writing if you thank the person in person. Nuff said. Not only that, if you are a good little Belle and sit down to write the notes, you get a year. I think you are on the right track with your note writing. There is no reason you can not write essentially the same thing in every note. After all, it is the thought that counts.
Sample Note:
Dear Aunt Emma Jane** and Uncle Ricky Bob,
Thanks so much for the precious outfit you gave little Madeline Elizabeth. I absolutely can not wait to put her in it! She is such a wonderful baby, and I appreciate your thoughtfulness during this special time in our life! We really hope that you will be able to come and visit Madeline the next time you are in South Carolina. I hope this note finds you and your family doing well. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Seuss

Bachelorette Party

2005-12-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

Raybelle of Notsosouthernbelle is planning a bachelorette party and asks the following questions:

Is it appropriate to ask all who attend to pay for the room, even if they aren’t bridesmaids?
Is it appropriate to ask all who attend to bring food?
Is it okay to ask everyone to bring a blanket and pillow, and we can all pile in one room and save cash? (That’s a duel question: is it okay with the hotel rules and is it okay with manners)
Is it okay to call all of the people ahead of time to ask if they are planning on spending the night? Or, is it okay if I insist in the invitation that people call me and tell me if they are planning on spending the night?

These are some loaded questions, frought with potential pitfalls. Tread lightly! Another friend just about ended a friendship over a recent bachelorette debacle that involved them requiring her to pay more than was reasonable.

So, lets take it from the top. The overall objective is to ensure that the bride has a good time and that no one is upset about the expense or feels excluded because of expense.

You may invite the people that the bride requests and you may offer them the option of staying in a hotel room. You tell them the total cost of the room and tell them what their share will be. I think that you may tell them that they can either go in on a room, or they may get their own room for x rate. Some people just don't play well with others, and its a lot to force them to stay in a room with other people if they don't want to. Everyone that stays will be expected to pay, bridesmaid status notwithstanding. Thats just a part of the deal kids, either pay up or get out your sleeping bag for the parking lot. It IS appropriate to ask all that plan to stay in the hotel to bring food. Thats a nobrainer.

It is NOT ok to tell people they may have to sleep on the floor. Sorry cats, we are way too old. If I went to a party and was pointed a place on the floor? Nuh uh. No way Jose.

While you may insist upon them telling you if they are spending the night, they won't do it, so I would put that option out there and then call and follow up. When you make that call you can clear up a lot of this by talking to people. Having a conversation will clear this up very tactfully, while a lot of it may appear tacky on paper. At this point, I think you are heading in the right direction, with the exception of the floor thing. Now, some may end UP on the floor, but it will most likely be unintentional and they will be oblivious to their status.

Gifting/Receiving

2005-12-04T20:21:00.001-08:00

What are the requirements for keeping/using a gift that you do not want? For instance: my MIL gave me a bunch of her old(very expensive designer clothes) FROM THE 80's!!! Unfortunately they fit and she knows it. But the are sooooooooooooooo not me. WTF do I do with that??

Good question, Calibelle. First of all, your question specifically deals with your mother in law giving you a gift that you don't want. The truth is that in many circumstances, the only thing we actually want from our mothers in law is their sons. All of the other stuff is just extra, and by extra I don't mean bonus. Let me give you a lesson learned here and one of the multitude of reasons that I am a Jr. League Dropout that rejoined. Even the best of us don't always get it right. My mother in law gave me a BOA one year for Christmas. Considering I am about the least adventurous person when it comes to personal style, and this particular boa was very ugly, I had no clue what to do with it. Somehow it ended up in a box that ended up in the trash on moving day. Guess who found it in the trash? BINGO! MIL stands next to me, slowly (or at least it seemed to take forever) pulling the boa out of the trash (It was at least 20 feet long). "I see how much you like my gifts" she says. And I deserved it. Don't throw away Mother in Law gifts if there is any chance that they will be found in the trash.

In all actuality, seeing how her "gift" (I use that term loosely) was her very old and expensive designer clothes, you really can't throw them away. You can keep them and wear a piece or two occasionally when she is around, but only if you have room. You have a few options here. The first option is to call her and tell her that you are making some room in the closet and that while her clothes are beautiful, they do not fit your current lifestyle as a student. Tell her they are too nice for you to get rid of them without speaking to her first and ask if she wants them back or would like for you to consign them for her.

The other option...well, it isn't really an option per se. I wonder WHY she gave you these clothes? Is it a subtle hint that you need to step it up a bit? I certainly don't think so, as I like the way you are. However, MILs are a different breed. If youa re feeling brave and want to build a relationship with her, you could always call and ask her to go shopping with you. Tell ehr you need a few things, and she has such good taste, you want her help. *WE* know you don't, but she might feel that you value her opinion and that you are trying. OR, she might give you more clothes, which would just put you right back at square one. The GOAL would be for her to buy you some NEW expensive, designer clothes.

Lastly, talk to your husband. It is his mom, and while most men won't stand up to mommy, he may have an idea as to how to best handle the situation.

(Suggestions from the peanut gallery are always welcome)

Tipping

2005-12-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about tipping. Who do you tip? And how do
you determine how much to tip? It dawned on me the
other day that I should probably be tipping the guy
who mows my lawn. But he already charges me $25 every
time he mows it! He probably thinks I'm totally rude
for not tipping him but isn't $25 enough?!

Erin, I don't necessarily agree with the conventional wisdom surrounding tipping. Some people believe a tip for everyone. I believe that tipping is an art, and that it should be properly earned. The standard tip for dining used to be 15%. Nowadays, thats pretty chintzy. If you have adequate service from a dour faced matron that doesn't speak, or an incompetent that spills stuff and forgets orders, 10-15% is all they deserve. There are even RARE occasions where 5% is justified, but to leave a 5% tip you need to also complain to the manager or to the wait person so that they understand why. I almost always tip at least 20% when dining. And I DON'T tip before tax and all that nonsense. I look at the first two numbers of the total and multiply by 2. (10.00 bill= 2.00, 15.00 bill=3.00). I also never tip less than five dollars for dinner (even if the total is 15, and never less than $2-3 for lunch). So if my calculation is 1.50 at lunch, I leave 2). I never hesitate to leave more if it is so deserved. (Draw a smiley and a thanks on the receipt and it goes up a bit as well). If money is an issue, you should eat accordingly, but if you still want to dine at a more expensive restaraunt, you really need to leave 15% at the very least. Remember, they are working for the tip, their hourly wage is less than $2.00 an hour.

You also need to tip the following people: pedicurist, manicurist, hair stylist, and possibly the lawn boy. Does the lawn boy do a good job? Does he work for himself or a service? IF he works for a service, then the money you give him is not lining his own pocket. Is he reliable? Trustworthy? On time? If he is, then adding a few dollars to the total is probably well deserved.
Here is one list of tipping protocol.

One thing that everyone should focus on is the level of service received. Do you feel that your server (of whatever type) has gone out of their way to help you? Are they friendly and not overbearing? Was your meal more enjoyable because your drink/food/napkin/dessert was brought at the appropriate time?

Also, be honest with yourself. Are YOU a difficult customer? Did you send something back? Request something special? Have a toddler that threw food on the floor? All of these things raise the tip level.

Now, don't you think I deserve a tip?

As always, do as I say, not as I do.

2005-12-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

Seeing as I am more Southern Belle than Not, and I was raised by true Southern Belles, I shall take a stab at answering etiquette questions. Feel free to submit your own and feel free to disregard all advice, bless your heart.

Today's question comes from Yankeebelle:

YB: I have an etiquette question for you
EQ: k
YB: Work baby shower thank you notes
YB: ok to inter-office mail or hand deliver, or should I get everyone's address and mail them with stamps to their ho
EQ: OH!! Can I blog this! a new category!

There are many different kinds of etiquette. Basic etiquette says "Write a thank you note. Delivery is not as important as writing the note." By actually writing the note, you are complying with BASIC etiquette. (I confess that more than one has slipped through the cracks, especially postpartum, which is excusable. Pre-partum is not excusable.)
But, is inter-office delivery tacky? The President thinks that yes, it probably is. While it may seem superfluous to take notes out of the office, pay to stamp them, and then mail them to people that you sit next to, it is the most appropriate response. After all, they left the office, went to buy the gift, and brought it back to you.

Here is a description of HOW to write a thank you note. Good advice for all of us. Emily post and I do not always see eye to eye, but I still maintain that as long as you actually write the thank you note, you are complying with BASIC etiquette. For the record, I do not believe in the email thank you note. Basic is not always what one should strive for, however, if you are thirty-four weeks pregnant and in between two root canals, then basic is bumped to "More than adequate" while still not reaching the level of "Supreme Southern Belle".

Purpose

2005-12-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

HI! Welcome to the Etiquette Queen's slice of life on the WWW. You have questions? I have answers. You can ask me anything you want, just post it right in the comments. You may not like my answer, but I will do my best to give you practical real world advice. Just remember, Do as I say, Not as I do!!